


The point of view

by MissMandalore



Category: X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men: First Class (2011) RPF
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, F/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 18:58:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7326472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMandalore/pseuds/MissMandalore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The point of view

**Author's Note:**

> This one's really angsty and deals with self hate and eating disorders.  
> If you struggle with any of this PLEASE DO NOT READ  
> You are beautiful and loved, don't put yourself down! <3

Dinner. One of the things I was afraid of. I barely ate, even here, just as much as I needed to not attract anyones attention.  
But today… I hadn’t eaten at all for three days now, but since I had no more excuses, I finaly had to eat something. Though I wasn’t even hungry, I sat here with the others, a selection of excellent meals in front of me and forced myself to eat some soup.  
Good thing, most of them were listening to Ravens jokes, so no one paid attention to me. I put the spoon down and drank a large glass of water.  
Eating had not been the best idea…  
I felt sick and tired.  
Why was I even here?  
“Are you all right?” someone asked.  
I turned my head, just to see Erik looking at me. He seemed worried.  
I forced myself to smile.  
“Yeah, just tired. It’s been an exhausting day”  
It was obvious, that he did not believe me. Well, I wasn’t sure if I would believe myself either. I was a terrible liar.  
He looked at me for a few seconds, at the cup before me, that was still nearly full with soup and then back to me, my body, my face…  
I couldn’t bear to see the look on his face. It was emberassing… I knew that I had lost weight… But I still felt so fat… I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t bear to put anything in my mouth. It felt disgusting. I hated my body. My think tighs, my big butt, my large face and my fat belly. It felt heavy and loose, everytime I moved…  
I was thankful not to be a telepath like Charles. I didn’t want to know what the others thought about me. I didn’t want to hear them laughing behind my back and Alex’ jokes, that he surely made when I was not with them. And I didn’t want to hear Erik thinking about how I didn’t fit into their team. How weak I was and how ugly I looked, compared to Raven.  
She was so beautiful, her body was perfect, not too fat, not too skinny, muscular, but still slim, tall and fair.  
I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.  
My eyes burned when I got up and left the room as fast as I could. I ran, through corridors, staircases, out of the mansion, into the rain, until I reached the small forest.  
There I finaly broke down. My stomach revolted and I threw up the soup and water.  
The taste and the smell made me almost vomit again, but there was nothing left to throw up.  
My sight was blurred through tears and I felt so unbelievably tired. I felt so weak…  
I couldn’t tell how long I lay there beneath the trees, crying, hoping to die. My clothes were soaked and I was freezing when someone touched my shoulder.  
I heard him calling my name, y/n he said, again and again.  
It was Erik…  
This must be a dream, I thought. He would never have followed me. I wasn’t worth it. I was not important…  
“Y/n!”  
He grabbed me, took me into his arms and stroked the wet hair out of my face. I felt his heat, smelled his aftershave.  
It took me a second to bring up the strength to open my eyes. I couldn’t bear it, if this should be a dream. But it wasn’t. He was there, holding me close.  
I blinked a few times, before I could see him clear.  
His eyes were full of pain, worry and fear…  
“You… You followed me?” I asked with a broken voice.  
“Why…”  
Instead of answering he just looked at me in a way he never did before. In fact, in a way never ever someone had looked at me before.  
“I… I didn’t want to loose you…”  
What? Was this the truth? It couldn’t be… It was too good to be true…  
“You care about me…?” I asked in disbelief.  
“Why… why should you…”  
I closed my eyes again. All I wished for was to sleep…  
“Y/n? Stay with me!” Erik demanded and jolted me softly.  
But I didn’t. I felt the world turning black, the cold disappeared, Eriks voice fell silent and I fell deeper and deeper into the darkness.

The next time I felt something it was a soft matress, warm blankets, as well as something I couldn’t identify. It took me a moment to realize that it was a hand, holding mine.  
There was a strange beeping noise and something that was on my face. I tried to move, but a sudden pain in my left arm made me give up on this wish.  
When I slowly opened my eyes, I was dazzled by a bright light. Whoever held my hand seemed to recognise that I had woken up.  
“Y/n”  
The soft voice belonged to Erik. He was still here… Still with me…  
“Is this heaven…?” I asked slowly as I turned my head to look at him.  
He smiled, a beautiful, relieved smile.  
“No… You’re in a hospital… You’ve been unconcious for 19 hours…”  
His relief turned into worry again.  
“Why did you run off? Why… Why did you starve yourself?”  
I turned away. Of course I wasn’t dead…  
“I hoped to die Erik…”  
Tears came up again, but I didn’t even try to hide them. He already knew how weak I was, so what did it matter?  
“Why did you follow me? Why couldn’t you let me go?”  
In a hint of anger, I pulled my hand away from his.  
“Don’t touch me!” I snapped.  
I felt exposed. Everyone knew about my illness. There was nowhere I could go. My parents sent me off for being a mutant, my “friends” would surely judge me and I would never ever go to a hospital where everyone would treat me like a freak.  
Surely Erik thought he was doing the right thing, but all he did was making me feel alone even more.  
A few seconds none of us said a word, until someone opened the door. I expected a doctor or a psychatrist, who wanted to tell me about how irresponsible my behaviour was, but it was Charles.  
“How are you?” he asked and sat beside Erik.  
“Great” I answered ironically.  
They exchanged looks.  
“Look…” Charles began.  
“I know… you are insecure… And I want you to know, that we do care about you. When I say, we are worried, I speak for us all. We are a family y/n. And you are an important part of it. No one cares about how you look, you’re beautiful by the way and it really doesn’t matter what anyone has said in the past.”  
I sobbed.  
“Don’t lie to me…”  
“None of us is lying” Erik insisted.  
“The others are waiting outside.” Charles went on.  
“Do you want to hear their thoughts?”  
I bit my lip. Everything in me wanted to believe him, but it felt so wrong. I wasn’t a part of any family. I’ve never been and I never would.  
Though, I was curious. What if he was right? But what if it was just a trick? A cruel joke…  
“We love you. And I promise we’ll take care of you.”  
I took a deep breath before I nodded. What was there to loose?  
“Convince me”  
He nodded, leaned forward and touched my temple.  
It felt like something was about to squash my head. His mind… For a second I was trying to resist it, but then I finaly let him in. Broke down the walls that kept him out and gave myself to his thoughts.  
It was a strange feeling. I felt free in some sort of way. It was completely different from my usual perception.  
I was sure, if Charles had not guided me, I would have lost myself in his mind. He guided me outside the room, where Alex, Raven, Moira, Hank and Sean sat. They were talking about me. But not in the way I expected them to. It felt incredible, but Charles was right, they were actualy worried. And something different was there, images of a skinny girl I didn’t recognise at first. But she had my hair, wore my clothes and did things I used to do. Was that… Could that really be me? But… That girl… She was so skinny, while I was…  
Charles must have felt my insecurity. He took back his hand and I was back in my body.  
I looked at my hands, white, thin…  
“Is that… Is that really how you see me?” I asked in disbelief.  
“Am I really… That thin?”  
Charles and Erik nodded.  
I was speechless. I couldn’t even tell how I felt. My recent life had been a lie. My mind had played tricks on me… I wasn’t alone at all and I wasn’t even fat, I had brought myself near starvation and that was how I looked like.  
But I needed to see it myself.  
Slowly I threw back the blanket, to look at my legs.  
Hell, they were so thin…  
When did that happen?  
I couldn’t believe it…  
“What have I done…”  
Charles and Erik exchanged looks again.  
“I thank you for helping me understand you” Charles said.  
“Are you willing to let me show you… Something else?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Something that should make you happy”  
I bit my lip. What would make me happy? But what was there to loose? So I nodded.  
“Do it.”  
He leaned forward again, touched my temple and again, I felt his mind overwhelming mine. But this time it took me half the time to let him in. It felt not as weird as the last time, when he pulled me with him. To Erik…  
Before I realized what was going on, I entered his mind. It was dark, filled with anger and pain, but there was a light, a very bright light. And suddenly, I was there. Just in the middle of loving thoughts. Thoughts about a girl, a very beautiful but sad girl. Me…  
He loved me… He really did…  
That was why he ran after me, why he saved my life… Not because he wanted to extend my suffering, but because he couldn’t bear to loose me too…  
A moment later I was back in my body again.  
“I’ll leave you two alone now…” Charles said, got up and left the room.  
I looked at Erik. Unable to believe.  
“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you myself” he said, avoiding eye contact.  
“I was afraid that you would reject me…”  
“The only reason I would have done this… Was that I may have taken it for a joke…”  
He laughed.  
“I would never dare to make a joke about you y/n”  
I managed to smile.  
“Is this the truth?”  
“I would never lie to you”  
He finaly looked up and took my hand again.  
“I love you y/n… There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you…”  
I couldn’t say a word. My brain didn’t work proper. There he was, telling me that he loved me after I had seen his thoughts about me. And I didn’t know what to say. He was all I’ve ever wanted…  
So I just leaned forward to kiss him, but only centimeters before my lips would meet his, I stopped. Should I really?  
Just as I wanted to go back, Erik decided for me. He took my head in his hands and gave me a shy kiss.  
My heart felt like it was about to explode every second. This was really happening and it felt so right, so good…  
“I love you too Erik…” I whispered.  
A big smile crept on my face, while he started to laugh and cry at the same time.  
“Don’t scare me ever again like this, ok?” he asked.  
“I promise”  
He wrapped his arms around me, gently and stroked my back.


End file.
